| Chapter I: The Disaster
It was late; I had been writing a long paper for my English.
At about the time of 2: 00 a.m. I decide to go out for a jog. I have been
working 6 hours straight, my mind could do with a little exercise.
It is cold outside, I can feel autumn. As I am running up and down this flight
street a man jogs up next to me.
Every family on the street is asleep, most animals are in for the night, even
many of the stars have decided to hide their ugly faces, and a man about my age
is jogging at the same time as me and on the same street as me.
Needless to say, I am a bit uncomfortable. He introduces himself, his name is
Tyler.I am jogging on a street at 2:00 in the morning while the universe is on
break and a man named Tyler
approaches me and tells me his name. I just kind of nod at him, it is cold and
I am tired and my paper is not getting done. He asks me for my name, so I tell
it to him and say I have to go home to work on a paper.
" You know, schoolwork just ends up sucking out your soul." Tyler says" It’s a
void of perpetual emptiness that constantly tries to fill itself with the souls
of the people who over obsess about it"
I wish I could put it off, I tell him, but if I don't I might fail my class and
all my plans are ruined.
“Relax man; look at where you are now" replies Tyler" Your exercising your body. If you
don't exercise your body then your body is going to go into Fuck You mode one
day"
What in the world is that, I ask him
" It’s when your body has become so unhealthy that it stops to function.
Your heart, liver, lungs, whatever it is one day your body is going to stop
wanting to take the abuse your throwing at it and just say' You know what? Fuck
You!' then your body stops and you die because you didn't take care of an organ
and it decided to turn on you"
I reply to him that he is very interesting but I must do my paper nonetheless.
We say our goodbyes, he gives me a number. And I go back into my room.
Once there I find the files on my computer had corrupted and all 5 hours of my
labor was gone. It was due in approximately 4 hours and I had lost every thing.
The next day I am without my paper and my teacher fails me in the course. This
grade starts a chain reaction that eventually leads to my Gpa dropping below
average and me eventually getting expelled. I lived in a Dorm. I had everything
in that Dorm. Special edition Xbox with a Halo design, dragon Ball Z sheets I
had found on EBay for only 700 bucks (imported), my complete Star Wars set of
action Figures from Episode II, all of which I had set Perfectly in the pose
they were in at the Battle of Geonosis, and my authentic Japanese Samurai
katana, complete with a steel sheath that had wax in the center to make pulling
the sword out soundless. All of these things my room mates, my neighbors, and
the Dorm room whores stole.
I am Darth Vader's sense of Burning Revenge.
I give a call to Tyler, his number one of the few possessions I had kept. He
answers." Oh yeah, the paper guy. Right... well damn."
We decide to meet
at a bar. Once we get their I see him sitting at a table off to the corner away
from everyone's gaze. I go over to greet him and we chit chat.I tell him about
all my prized possessions. About how I had set up Master Windu's stance
perfectly with the Jango Fett action figure's detachable head and little Boba
Fett's realistic kiddy bitching.
" Well damn" Tyler
says" what are you going to do now?"
I tell him about everything I miss and he just replies the same way. It gets
late and we have to leave, the bar after all is closing.
We walk outside and he offers to let me stay with him at his house. He lives in
a shitty old Trailer with dilapidated floors and a plank one must walk to use
the toilet, which is caving into the ground and at a slant. He only has one
condition though.
" I want you to hit me as hard as you can"
He’s Crazy, I never hit
people and why would I start now.
“I don't know man, I've never been in a
fight, its pathetic. I mean how much can you know about yourself if you have
never been in a fight"
Still, I cannot bring my self to do such a thing. He sighs and decides to
compromise. Reaching behind his coat he produces two toy lightsabers. One is
blue the other is green. He suggests I hit him with the lightsaber. Well I was
never one to say no to a lightsaber so I said yes. I take the blue one and hit
him square in the ear.
Shit, that missed, that didn't count.
"Oh yes it did" he says before putting a very nice whelp on my side.
It hurt, but it would be nothing compared to what I was about to do. I attack
him and he goes on defensive. For a few minutes we are locked in an epic
Combat, two Jedi dueling it out for Master Yoda's approval. This in turn draws
a crowd. People come up interested; some even want to try out there skills.
What the hell, Tyler
says, go for it. As they fight Tyler
gives them tips.
Calm down
Do not get too fired up
Trash that anger
There is only serenity
This is how Tyler Durden and I started a following of people who wanted to
fight for the light side, a following of people who wanted learn the teachings
of the Jedi.
This is how Tyler and I started Light Club
Chapter II : Thing’s get serious
Before I can continue there are a few things about Tyler you should probably
know. Who he is would be the best.
Tyler Durden is, for all comprehensible purposes, a bonified geek.
His
knowledge of Star Wars and all its many facets in unending and his ability to
recite lines straight from the movie is unerring. Tyler is more than just a one trick pony
however; he is extremely athletic. One does not have the swordsmanship Tyler posesses without
extensive conditioning. If one were to meet Tyler they would think him a Buddhist.
Serenity is his life; he has no wife, no girlfriend, he is still in fact a
virgin. Funny, I thought I was alone as a 20 yr old virgin.
But never, I mean never harp on him because of his life choice. The first night
me and Tyler duelled in the parking lot a big italian man came over and started
to run his mouth about how we had no life. Tyler broke his nose in three different ways
then kicked him in the throat, the chest, and then the kidney.
I was Anakin's green envy.
After that first night we couldn't have enough Light Clubbing. We began to
carry the lightsabers every where we went and broke them out at the oddest of
times: 3:00 am at the movies, Taco Bell parking lot, national battlefield
parks, we even fought in a Buddhist temple once to re-enact Cin Drallig's epic
showdown with Anakin in the Jedi Temple(only ever known by those who played the
game).
Now Light club began to grow after that first Night. We met every wednesday at
an abandoned warehouse deep in the heart of Chinatown;
home of the best swordsmen.. We never lost though, we were in essence Obi-wan
and Anakin... I always considered myself Obi-Wan anyway; Tyler was way too idealistic so it is obvious
he is Anakin.
Which brings me to my next point. I fear Anakin- I am sorry I mean Tyler-is taking this club
to too high a level. If you recall he lives in a shitty trailer with
dilapidated floors and a slanted plank that one must walk to pee. For some
reason, he has managed to attract fanatical followers who will endure this life
style with him. I do so because I have nowhere else to go, these space monkeys
do so because he says so.
Why?
I use the term space monkey because a Space Monkey can do amazing things; but
only when told to. That is what these new.. these space monkeys are doing. His
walls have been repapered, his carpet redone, his toilet fixed, and the 3 foot
Gerbil that roams his house was hunted and exterminated last week. None of
these space monkeys asked payment.
I am Anakin's sense of confusion.
Nonetheless life goes on. I continue working, having been upgraded to full
time, and continue to do the construction work I so spitefully hate. There is a
building we are working on right now, a future 7 story buisness complex. Only
the framework is up at this point.
I come home every night and I am exhausted, I wake in the excact same manner.
Light Club is my only reprieve from the world, the little whelps who so
willingly step into the arena with me, only to leave with a swollen face and
numerous wounds on there sides.
Well Tyler has
begun to use real swords, and has not been holding back or using any caution at
all. There have been injuries, there are always injuries. One night someone
gets stabbed by a rapier, Tyler
cuts someone deeply in the side with a katana, things are getting really bad.
Some people want to question him, but he is such an inspirational figure no one
wants to destroy his image. He is all they have now, these outcasts of the
world. Admitting Tyler
is wrong is to admit what they believe in is wrong. These Space Monkey's
parents are dissapointed with them, their friends don't exist, they have
nothing. Tyler
is exploiting this, and bringing a whole new level of blood into the
atmosphere.
I know I should do something, but I admire Tyler for his ability. I sometimes wish I was
him, wish that I had his abilities and talents.
Chapter III: Epiphany
Why haven’t I done anything yet? Why haven’t I turned Tyler in to the Cops? Why
do I allow this barbaric sport to go on?
I look into myself and don’t know why, I can’t bring myself
to. I feel belittled by his greatness, humbled by his presence, novice to his
prowess. I lack the testicular fortitude to stand up to him.
I am Obi-Wan’s fear of the Dark Side.
Tyler
gains more influence everyday, space monkeys coming to his door in more numbers
by the dozen. I feel powerless to stop it. The sword fighting is intense, the
injuries worse. Why don’t I do something about it?
I go to my job every day. I wake up every single morning to
that god forsaken construction job, but the project is going to be grand.
Everything the city has is going to be put into it. Tax dollars, federal
grants, extorted cash… everything. The city would go bankrupt if the MEGA MALL
40 STORIES didn’t go off. This entire project rides on my shoulder, and I still
only make 20 dollars an hour for a job that decides this cities future.
After work we fight. I brandish my Bastard Sword, a hand and
a half blade perfectly waited. My opponent is some Asian prat with a katana who
shows off some fancy moves. I raise the blade above my head, Li Posted di Falcone, and we fight. He
starts off by holding the blade at the bottom of the hilt, and lunges at me
full speed. He is quick, but e accomplishes next to nothing. With superior
speed I swing down and knock the blow aside, kicking him in the ribs. He falls,
and gets back up.
Don’t use rage, I told him, You must remain Stoical to
avail.
He tries again, swinging into my side. It is lazy and I deflect
the blow.
One, two, three,….WHACK
He’s on the ground this time, an slash mark across his face.
He looks at me with disdain.
I don’t know why I felt no remorse for it. Perhaps his lack
of technique, his lack of controlling himself is why I didn’t pity him. I just
stared at him, no empathy whatsoever.
Tyler
pats me on the back.
“That was beautiful kid. I’d be afraid to fight you, this
city might not be able to handle it if we did”
We go home and I lay on Tyler’s couch. Tyler’s couch is the shittiest couch you
could ever imagine. It would seem that years upon years of sitting on the same
couch, of farting on the same couch, of living on this couch had cursed it. It
was as if small pockets gas had collected and the couch had developed an odor
of itself, something more putrid than any bodily scent. It was shitty, and if
you laid in it just right, the couch would actually release these little
pockets of shit-air and make the area around you smell. It is for this reason
that I call it the Shit Couch
Well as you can imagine, such a couch is hard to sleep on. I
lay there trying to sleep, and something suddenly hits me. The name Tyler
Durden is familiar… but why? I think back to anything I can. Movies, books,
Video Games, people… why is the name Tyler Durden familiar. It begins to grow
on me more. Soon I am consumed by this… why should the name Tyler Durden make
me uneasy.
Morning comes, I am awake still and I go to work. Another
day of god awful labor that will be unappreciated and uncredited to me. Some
rich jackass high in command who had the idea to build this will get the glory.
Simply because he had the money to pay for it all, he will be remembered. Not
the hard working men of this project, the corps of workers acting as one to
accomplish this dream… we will be forgotten. We whose blood and sweat made this
monument… and this Mr. BigBucks will be the one it is named after. It sickens
me.
Again I find myself at Light Club again, tonight I am
wielding a Rapier. My opponent is a heavy set kid with a two-handed Claymore.
We fight, he uses his strength and rage to break me… it would seem that no one
wants to listen to our teachings.
Tonight, the fight is at the construction site. It will be
held at this site from now on as it is becoming increasingly difficult to find
safe and secluded places. Here, the basement is finished and very able to hide
persons.
The kid comes at me again, I easily take to the side and knock
his mammoth blade away, With precision and skill, I take a sliver of skin from
under his arm. Suddenly I feel the sense of Déjà vu.
I look at Tyler and he smiles. I am
in a basement, there is a single light hanging in the room and all the
attention is on me…. Fight Club!?
I suddenly wonder if I am going crazy.. all the events… the
first night in the parking lot… my
adoration of Tyler…
holy shit am I schizophrenic?
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